Does It's OK That You're Not OK help with grief?

It's OK That You're Not OKMegan Devine

Photograph by Simon Berger on Pexels.

Yes — and of the five books we added to the shelf today it is the one most likely to be the right first one. It was written by a psychotherapist who watched her partner drown. Its argument is that grief is not a problem to be solved, and that most of the advice you are being given assumes it is.

Where this sits on our shelf

We have not read this one yet. It is on our reading list, and it is here because it is well regarded and because people ask us for it. Everything below is drawn from the book itself, its publisher and its author’s own account of their work — not from our experience of reading it.

The books on this shelf that carry a section headed “Our note” are the ones this family actually read, in grief. This one does not carry that section, and it will not until it has earned it. We would rather tell you which is which than have you assume.

What it is

Megan Devine is a licensed psychotherapist. Her partner drowned — she witnessed it — and she has written since from both sides of the consulting room. Sounds True published the book in 2017. Its subtitle is the whole thesis: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand.

What it actually argues

The central move is a refusal. Almost every book in this category treats grief as a condition with an endpoint — something you work through, process, and come out the other side of. Devine rejects the frame outright. Her publisher’s description puts it as well as any line in the book: grief is “love in its most wild and painful form.” If that is what it is, then it is not a malfunction, and the goal is not to stop it.

From there the book turns on the culture rather than the reader. It catalogs the things people say — everything happens for a reason, at least they are not suffering, you are so strong — and shows what each one is actually doing: managing the speaker’s discomfort, not the griever’s pain. For a bereaved reader the relief of this section is specific. It is the relief of being told that the problem was never that you were grieving wrong.

What it offers instead is not a sequence. There are no stages here. There are practices — writing, mindfulness-based exercises, and unusually practical chapters on sleep and on the physical toll of acute stress, which is the part most grief books skip entirely. The orientation throughout is toward living alongside the loss rather than recovering from it.

And roughly a third of the book is not addressed to the bereaved at all. It is written for the people around them — essays on what to say, what not to say, and checklists for being useful. That dual audience is rare, and it is the reason this book gets handed from a grieving person to their friends more often than any other on this shelf.

Who it is for, and when

Of everything here, this is the one most likely to work early — because it asks nothing of you. It sets no task, proposes no stages, and does not suggest that the right attitude would help. Several people we trust describe it as the first book that did not make them feel they were failing.

It is also the one to give to the friend who keeps saying the wrong thing and plainly wants to do better.

Who it is wrong for

If what you want is a map — a sequence, a timeline, a sense of what comes next — this book deliberately will not give you one. That is its argument, not an omission. If a structure is what is holding you together right now, this may read as though the floor has been removed.

If this one is not right for you

• Want the daily, low-concentration version? → Healing After Loss
• Looking for what to do with the loss? → Finding Meaning
• The full list, sorted by how far along you are → The Shelf

Common questions

Is It's OK That You're Not OK a good book to read early in grief?

Yes. It is one of the few that works in the first weeks, because it asks nothing of the reader. There are no stages to move through and no task to complete. Its argument is that grief is a sane response to loss rather than a problem to be fixed, which is why it tends not to make people feel they are grieving wrong.

Does the book use the five stages of grief?

No. Megan Devine explicitly rejects stage models. The book argues that grief is not a process with an endpoint and offers practices for living alongside loss rather than a sequence to work through.

Is it only for the person grieving?

No, and this is unusual. A substantial part of the book is written for the people around the griever, including essays on what to say and practical checklists for helping. It is often passed from a bereaved person to their friends.

Did Megan Devine experience a loss herself?

Yes. Her partner drowned and she witnessed it. She is a licensed psychotherapist and has written about grief from both the professional and the personal side since.

Last reviewed October 2026. We make nothing from this recommendation. There are no affiliate links on this page. See our editorial and sourcing policy.