Does Finding Meaning help with grief?

Finding MeaningDavid Kessler

Photograph by sheikh basim on Pexels.

Yes — and one thing is worth knowing before you open it: the author wrote it after his own son died. David Kessler co-wrote the book that applied the five stages to grief. In 2016 his twenty-one-year-old son died of an accidental overdose, and this is the book he wrote afterwards.

Where this sits on our shelf

We have not read this one yet. It is on our reading list, and it is here because it is well regarded and because people ask us for it. Everything below is drawn from the book itself, its publisher and its author’s own account of their work — not from our experience of reading it.

The books on this shelf that carry a section headed “Our note” are the ones this family actually read, in grief. This one does not carry that section, and it will not until it has earned it. We would rather tell you which is which than have you assume.

What it is

Kessler worked alongside Elisabeth Kübler-Ross for a decade and co-authored her final book, On Grief and Grieving, in 2005. Scribner published Finding Meaning in 2019. It proposes a sixth stage beyond the five: meaning.

What it actually argues

The claim is that acceptance was never the end. In the original model the sequence stopped at acceptance — you arrive at the fact of the death and that is the destination. Kessler’s argument, written from inside the loss of his own child, is that acceptance is survivable but not livable, and that what people actually go looking for next is a reason to keep going.

The most important thing in the book is a distinction, and it is the one most often dropped when people summarize it. Kessler does not claim that the death has meaning. He is explicit that it does not — there is no reason, no plan, nothing redemptive in the loss itself. The meaning is in what the living person builds afterwards, and it is made rather than found. Anyone using this book to tell a bereaved parent that their child’s death happened for a purpose has inverted it.

Much of the book is the mechanics of that making — what people do with a life that now has a hole in it, how some turn toward other people, and why the attempt is worth making even when it fails. It is the most practical of the five on the question of what to actually do, which is a question that arrives late and then will not go away.

⚠️ It does rest on the five-stage model, and that model is not supported by the research. We say more about this on the On Grief and Grieving page. It is not a reason to skip this book — the sixth stage stands up perfectly well without the five under it — but it is a reason not to treat the sequence as a description of what should be happening to you.

Who it is for, and when

Later rather than early. The question this book answers — what do I do with this now — is not the question of the first weeks. Asked too soon it lands as pressure.

Of everything on this shelf it is the closest to what this Fund actually is. The Undefeated Fund exists because a family decided to make something after a death. That is the book in one sentence.

Who it is wrong for, and when

⚠️ If anyone has already told you to find the meaning in your loss, put this down for now. It is not saying that, but in the first weeks the title alone can read as an instruction. The distinction between meaning in the death and meaning after it is a fine one, and it is harder to hold when the loss is new.

If this one is not right for you

• Not ready for the question of what to do? → It's OK That You're Not OK
• Want the source of the five stages? → On Grief and Grieving
• The full list, sorted by how far along you are → The Shelf

Common questions

What is the sixth stage of grief?

Meaning. David Kessler proposes it as a stage beyond acceptance, arguing that accepting the death is survivable but not livable, and that what people look for next is something to do with the life that remains.

Does David Kessler say the death itself has meaning?

No, and this is the part most often lost in summary. He is explicit that there is no reason or purpose in the loss. The meaning is made afterwards by the person still living. Anyone using the book to suggest a death happened for a purpose has inverted its argument.

Do you need to read On Grief and Grieving first?

No. Finding Meaning stands alone. It refers to the five stages, but the sixth stage does not depend on accepting the first five as a sequence.

Why did David Kessler write Finding Meaning?

His twenty-one-year-old son died of an accidental overdose in 2016. Kessler had spent his career writing about grief, including co-authoring Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's final book, and wrote this one from inside his own child loss.

Last reviewed October 2026. We make nothing from this recommendation. There are no affiliate links on this page. See our editorial and sourcing policy.